Key Assumptions and Intentions of Compassionate Communication (NVC)

I. Assumptions Underlying the Practice of Nonviolent Communication

Following are key assumptions that NVC practice is based on. While many traditions share these assumptions, NVC
gives us tools for putting them into practice. When we live based on these assumptions, self-connection and connection
with others become increasingly possible and easy.

1. All human beings share the same needs: We all have the same needs, although the strategies we use to meet
   these needs may differ. Conflict occurs at the level of strategies, not at the level of needs.
2. Our world offers sufficient resources for meeting everyone’s basic needs: The scarcity experienced by so
   many people arises because we have not designed our social structures to meet everyone’s needs. We can attribute
   any apparent scarcity to a current systemic limitation, a crisis of imagination, or a lack of skills for fostering connection.
3. All actions are attempts to meet needs: Our desire to meet needs, whether conscious or unconscious, underlies
   every action we take. We only resort to violence or other actions that do not meet our own or others’ needs when we
   do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.
4. Feelings point to needs being met or unmet: Our feelings arise directly out of our experience of our needs, whether
   these seem to us met or unmet in a given circumstance. Feelings may be triggered but not caused by others. When
   our needs are met, we feel happy, satisfied, peaceful, etc. When our needs are not met, we feel sad, scared, angry, etc.
   Our assessment of whether or not our needs are met almost invariably involves an interpretation or belief.
5. All human beings have the capacity for compassion: We have an innate capacity for compassion, though not always
   the knowledge of how to access it. When we are met with compassion and respect for our autonomy, we tend to have
   more access to our own compassion for ourselves and for others. Growing compassion contributes directly to our
   capacity to meet needs peacefully.
6. Human beings enjoy giving: We inherently enjoy contributing to others when we have connected with our own and
   others’ needs and can experience our giving as coming from choice.
7. Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships: We meet nearly all our needs, except those
   having to do with our relationships with ourselves and nature, through our relationships with other people. When others’
   needs are not met, some needs of our own also remain unmet.
8. Choice is internal: Regardless of the circumstances, we can meet our need for autonomy by making conscious
   choices based on awareness of needs.
9. The most direct path to peace is through self-connection: Our capacity for peace is not dependant on having our
   needs met. Even when many needs are unmet, meeting our need for self-connection can be sufficient for inner peace.

II. Key Intentions when Using Nonviolent Communication

We hold the following intentions when using NVC because we believe that they help us contribute to a world where everyone’s
needs are attended to peacefully.
 

Open-Hearted Living

1. Self-compassion: We aim to release all self-blame, self-judgments, and self-demands, and meet ourselves with
   compassion and understanding for the needs we try to meet through all our actions.
2. Expressing from the heart: When expressing ourselves, we aim to speak from the heart, expressing our feelings and
   needs, and making specific, do-able requests.
3. Receiving with compassion: When we hear others, we aim to hear the feelings and needs behind their expressions
   and actions, regardless of how they express themselves, even if their expression or actions do not meet our needs
   (e.g. judgments, demands, physical violence).
4. Prioritizing connection: We aim to focus on connecting open-heartedly with everyone’s needs instead of seeking
   immediate and potentially compromised solutions, especially in challenging situations.
5. Beyond "right" and "wrong": We aim to transform our habit of making "right" and "wrong" assessments (moralistic
   judgments), and to focus instead on whether or not human needs appear met (need-based assessments).

Choice, Responsibility, Peace

6. Taking responsibility for our feelings: We aim to connect our feelings to our own needs, recognizing that others
   do not have the power to make us feel anything. This recognition empowers us to take action to meet our needs
   instead of waiting for others to change.
7. Taking responsibility for our actions: We aim to recognize our choice in each moment, and take actions that we
   believe will most likely meet our needs. We aim to avoid taking actions motivated by fear, guilt, shame, desire for
   reward, or ideas of duty or obligation.
8. Living in peace with unmet needs: We aim to work with our feelings when we experience our needs as unmet,
   connecting with the needs rather than insisting on meeting them.
9. Increasing capacity for meeting needs: We aim to develop our internal resources, particularly our NVC skills, so
   we can contribute to more connection and greater diversity of strategies for meeting needs.

Sharing Power (Partnership)

10. Caring equally for everyone’s needs: We aim to make requests and not demands, thus staying open to the other's
    strategies to meet their needs. When hearing a "No" to our request, or when saying "No" to another’s request, we aim
    to work towards solutions that meet everyone’s needs, not just our own, and not just the other person’s.
11. Protective use of force: We aim to use the minimum force necessary in order to protect, not to educate, punish, or
    get what we want without the other’s agreement, and only in situations where we find that dialogue fails to meet an
    immediate need for physical safety. We aim to return to dialogue as soon as we have re-established a sense of
    physical safety.
     

By Inbal Kashtan and Miki Kashtan

 ©2010 JOYFULAdventure!  All rights reserved.